I win at anything passive-aggressive because I was raised by passive-aggressive people

When I came back out public, no one knew at first I'd been underground for a long time, and now that some people know about that because I've said it, some still don't seem to pick up on why I went underground, so I'll say it plainly- I was hammered by quite a number of people on nearly a daily basis for several years.

Why am I saying this?

Once in awhile I pick up a friend who doesn't understand boundaries. That person might not have a clue how demanding they might be, and how draining they might become dragging me into emotional quandaries that have nothing to do with me. That person might especially not get how difficult it gets to continue to be sweet when I'm juggling private stuff with family and responding to other stuff going on behind the scenes or underground about code fixing and touch bases with other webmasters. Even if that person has been friends with me for several years and there never was a problem before, sometimes things suddenly get super personal because they've somehow elevated themselves to bestie or even family status in their heads. I take the blame for that because super aspie is pretty blind to all the signs and assumes friends will heed all the warnings I post, forgetting that a friend here or there might not think it applies to them, plus I write so much it's just dang hard to catch it all, I'm sure.

I can't tell you how many times I've been through this. The next thing that happens is jealousy, backstabbing other people to me in private, backstabbing me to other people behind my back, and eventually some very hurt feelings as I keep trying to cautiously extricate myself from the growing amount of time I'm seeing one person out of hundreds is spending constantly making sure I'm the one they see nearly every single day.

I have no problem owning who I am. I have a legitimate diagnosis, I see a psychologist, and I am very open about it. I also have no problem with people talking about me. I've already been through the very public worldwide hamburger mill as a fansite owner, besides some very sad emotional abuse by several people both in real life and online who told me they were my friends, and I know this problem is actually about ME because I'm so bad for picking up strays in the first place. People say I'm nice, even when I keep trying to tell them I'm not. I repeatedly say I'm not a nice person.

When I first got back on twitter, I was NOT looking for friends. I cannot stress this enough. I'm not the sort of person who needs daily convo. I also cannot stress THAT enough. My feelings are NOT hurt when people talk smack about me, and I was born without a single empathetic bone in my body. I say all these things very clearly.

I learned to be kind. On purpose. Because it's logical.

What's not kind is someone bothering me until I can't take it any more, beyond weeks and months of asking point blank not to be contacted. What's not kind is someone trying to get me to take sides against another friend. What's not kind is someone hogging and puposely diverting attention away from something I write that is very important to me. And what's still not kind is that person passive-aggressively and very publicly using memes to keep flicking their wounded feelings at me after I finally put my foot down, which looks like prompt bait to get other people to ask what happened.

Definition of a friend is NOT grinding my day to a halt every time someone yanks my chain. Definition of a friend is NOT playing along with the head games when someone else chooses to be negative and whine. Definition of a friend is NOT being a two-face who says one thing in private and another in public. Definition of a friend is NOT someone who feels sorry for themselves as a gimmick to get attention.

A real friend is honest. I was honest. A real friend draws clear boundaries and marks where not to cross to start problems. I was very clear, over and over. A real friend doesn't walk away. I haven't walked away. I'm still here, lurking. Why? Because I actually care when I call someone a friend. Just because I'm not hitting a like or fav button, just because I'm not tagging, just because I'm not talking doesn't mean I'm not a friend and that I've abandoned anyone.

What is a lurker? A lurker is someone who quietly watches, doesn't wave flags to get attention, doesn't troll around starting problems between people. A lurker enjoys lurking, likes lurking for sport, does their best not to get caught lurking. The whole definition of lurking is lost on some people. You can't jump up and down waving where everyone can see and call yourself a lurker. You can't draw attention to another person and call yourself a lurker. Calling attention to stuff is the opposite of lurking.

A whole bunch of misunderstandings develop when someone making a habit of talking to me for the sake of talking thinks I'm a new playground to splash around in, a new toy to experiment with, something to poke and see how I'll react, and then when I do they run away wahwahwah to someone else saying I reacted and it wasn't fair and I'm mean and then passive-aggressively throwing hints out to the world that a big baddie hurt their feelings. This looks a little ridiculous after I've very publicly shared that I have a social deficit.

I *am* a big baddie. If you are playing these head games with me, you. have. no. clue. who. I. am. You have no clue how kind I've been allowing the head games to go on. You have no clue how many other people all over the world who know me are holding their breaths waiting to see how long it'll be before I make you bleed.

Let me be clear.

Everyone who sees me sees you interacting with me, because I've been around a long time in multiple fandoms and I'm watched by a lot of people all over the world. Everyone who sees me stomp you continues to watch you to see why I didn't kill or maim you, because in fandoms, that is a sport. Many of the watchers still lurking and not stepping in are the sort of people who pop popcorn and make bets on who's gonna crawl off and die. I know I have an audience, that is why I don't play the head games. Sometimes other people try to get a little attention for themselves hanging around with me, but sometimes they're just really thick and don't get how visible they are because lurkers don't pop up and high five them.

A friend would never post this after meeting someone who has openly confessed to struggling with this in real life and with a psychologist. A friend who would post this would be being meaner than I was, whinier than I've ever been, more judgmental, less forgiving, and strangely enough, way more egocentric. More sadly, that person would be lumping a genuine psychological challenge into a generic trash can, along with the friend they're whining about ~*~and never see the irony in this~*~.

I've said before that I'm not brave as much as I am brazenly stupid, because I'm easily led and I keep falling for people who say they're my friends, and I don't let the fallout stop me from being myself. You know why some people go underground and don't come back out? Because their 'friends' mock them in public and stab them in the back in private. I've seen this happen so many times that I can't believe in 'faith in humanity restored' at all. All I can do is say I don't know if I'm being brave or stupid.

It is a HUGE frickin' deal that someone like me is trying so hard, and especially that I'm sharing so much of my real life and so much private stuff. Every time I hit 'publish', I am taking the risk that someone on this earth will use my personal stuff against me, to hurt me. But since I've been picked on and even abused my entire life because I'm autism spectrum, and since I've actually been nicknamed a robot on twitter (which I like), and because I've taken all the crap and all the crap and all the crap since I was a small child, it's time I turn it around and just say it- If you want to be my friend, figure me out. All my REAL friends go through the mill with me. They don't walk away and start throwing rocks. I don't even understand that at all. Maybe I don't know what being a friend is supposed to be, but I sure don't act like that.

I do know that real friendship isn't about demanding my time and my attention and then whining if I get angry because I've had enough of the overwhelming demands diverting attention away from my very real SAD STUFF and SURVIVAL to butting in and making very off the wall remarks and jokes instead of actually validating what I've just said. You know how I know? I've been through it so many times. This isn't new to me. This is so familiar that it barely phases me any more.

People kill themselves over this kind of stupidity. I've been writing about depression and suicide since 2008, and the person I allow to come the closest is sometimes the person who will literally test every fiber of my being, and those are usually the people who don't understand when I can't take any more. This is why I say I suck as a friend.

I'm going to say this as simply as possible. Narcissism is what saved me from committing suicide, from drinking myself to death, from staying in toxic relationships with real guns and rape, from becoming an interstate drug runner, from abandoning my child, from so many other things. Every time I noticed I was epic failing, it wasn't good sense that saved me but being too proud to go down into those gutters. I really was there, too, all those places. I didn't like those places, so I changed things. It takes lots of guts to change your life (especially more than once) when you're stuck in between rocks and hard places, and the reason most people don't is because they don't believe they'll succeed.

I SURVIVED. If that's not good enough for someone who calls me their friend, then that person can stop following me around and whining about the way I survive another friend doing me dirty. You don't see me whining on my timeline. My personal blog is a different story, nobody has to go there and keep up with all that. I don't write on Pinky to get validation, I write to FOCUS.

I am public again because I'm a world rep for a fandom and I believe what I'm doing is important. What I'm doing is being a genuine person getting through real life problems and living out loud for other people who need to see someone making it out of the dark. If it takes narcissism to reach this level of cool, I'm good with it, because it sure beats hell outa wasting my life feeling sorry for myself and probably being dead by now.

People who don't get #TeamSpooge will never get ME. It's not about playing the convo games, it's about actually being real people sharing who we really are, not bugging and poking and playing blame games.

When my friend figures out what public passive-aggressive behavior does to genuine lurkers who want a friend but stay in the dark because of people behaving that way, when the self-inflicted passive-aggressive tweeting actually stops, then maybe the self defense barriers will come down. There is such a thing as friending people to exasperation, but I'm not going to look for a cute little chart to make a point and put it on my public timeline.

Aspie spoonie Lexx fan on a mission- and how embracing my narcissism is changing my life. Let's revisit that chart.

= Everything is my fault. I own my stuff. Narcissism actually makes this easier.

= I'm there for everybody who asks for genuine help. You guys never see how many times I've dropped everything I'm doing for a suicide run or to sit in hospitals and doctors' offices with people. Narcissism doesn't cancel out doing what one believes is right.

= I refuse to be the victim. I'm a survivor, thanks to narcissism. I want to WIN over all the stupidities that have haunted my life, and nothing's going to stop me.

= I see everything about you, your need, your love, your pain, your loneliness, and your accomplishments. I'm a lurker deluxe. Narcissism drives me to check on those who are 'mine'.

= Everything will always be about me. I feel this is a wise business decision, but you guys know I love you. Besides, the more I stand up for my stuff, the more I stand up for the lurkers who wish someone would stand up for them, too, in a world full of haters, blamers, and backstabbers. Narcissism doesn't mean I'm not afraid, but it does mean I won't hesitate to stand up in full view and take arrows and bullets for people I love, because I believe I'll make the better target.

= "My way or the highway." Yep, my blog, my timeline, my personal time, my life... "They never give an inch but demand a mile." Imagine if I didn't expect so much of myself. Narcissism is a demanding mistress.

= I admit I'm wrong all the time. I've been professionally trained to apologize, and I've won customer service awards for it. However, I'm not an enabler. Big difference. Drama addiction on social media is a genuine problem and needs to be addressed as such. Narcissism isn't always about drawing attention to oneself for the sake of attention. I have a bigger agenda than that.

= Frequent silent treatments yada yada yada. See drama addiction again. Narcissism actually compels me to establish my territory. What you might see as the silent treatment, I see as me saving your social media life with the Pond of Death. How many times have I said if I'm not talking to you, it's because I'm not eating your head.

= "When you finally leave..."- omg, I can't shake people off for weeks, months... I've literally disappeared off the internet to escape people contacting me. "...they spread lies and rumors about you." Well, actually, I'm being narcissistic and talking about myself.

What really cracks me up about this whole thing is this person has no clue I've actually blocked, with extreme prejudice, my own cousins on facebook. If this friend were my real family behaving like this on social media, I'd have already set fire to the internet.

Anyway, yeah, I'm sorry it's 'over', but I'm not the one counting it as losing a friend. I'm not the one still throwing rocks days later. I get the hint, though. Throwing rocks is what people do to dogs they want to go away. Fine.

Meanwhile, several thousand other people are actually keeping up with my stuff, and I really don't have time for this crap. I think this Pond was just a byproduct of me getting through the remnants of all that death stuff that I'm still kind of dealing with, and now it's holidays, and while I never expected a gut punch, I knew I had it eventually coming for attempting to be tolerant of a soul sucker. Tis the season for emotional vampires to refuse to admit they have depression problems like the rest of us.

this is still the evil me just getting started on antibiotic

When I have to remind someone three times that they are on a public family-friendly feed when they leave comments on my stuff and then repeatedly ask that person to stop because the comment bombs are so wildly stupid, I can only conclude that I am the stupid one for putting up with it so long.

I vet everyone who follows me everywhere. I've personally vetted thousands of people all over the globe. I very rarely have to deal with crap because I am so meticulous making sure my followers are genuine people. You guys never see the followers who abruptly vanish during off days when they sink into the quagmire of hateful porny drunken self pity that suddenly floods a list I have them on. Sometimes those people have 50K+ followers, and you know what? I don't care. I don't care how popular you are, who you are in the industry, how groovy other people think you are, if you're blowing up my feed with suckage, then *poof*.

Sometimes a *poof* is a little more agonizing than that because we've developed l'histoire. Even then, almost nobody notices when someone goes missing from my interactions. Like today. *poof* Had enough of you, mister.

I'll spell it out. I'm very publicly stand-uppish for the underdog. I support crisis networking. I've been very open and honest about my own stuff and how I feel about other people being exploited.

Exploiting has become an acceptable behavior because most of social media is exactly that, exploiting other people's content for money, traffic, and attention, depending on what part of the food chain one resides. The 'little people' usually go for the attention thing. The way they exploit others is by sharing content and then making remarks into their own feed about what they just shared, or by jumping into someone's content with the kind of remark that is supposed to rile people up and stimulate more response. No one is immune, and no one is sinless.

Most people handle this with privacy controls. Just put fences up and keep the crap out. Even I tell people that anything goes on a public feed, it really is up to each individual to control their own timelines and create the house they live in on social media. Control means monitoring the crap that comes through your yard. I have an open yard, but I also have a buncha bottle rockets in a coke bottle for strays, if you need imagery. Sometimes I have to sting someone's toe with a pellet gun (still imagery), and sometimes I have to point blank excommunicate offenders after politely asking and being ignored.

I don't go looking for people to follow. People follow me. If you choose me, it's your job to notice my style, my ethics, and my tolerance levels if you're going to jump into my stuff. I'm not the bad guy for drawing a line here or there, I'm just being considerate of readers I've gathered who might not appreciate being snark targets.

I have two fave comedians. One of them snarks other public figures sacrilegiously in order to get noticed and mocks being on the D-list, the other snarks only himself and made it into the A-list on his own talent. I have deep respect for both of them working so hard and becoming who they are. Anyone paying attention can see the public snarker still follows certain etiquette rules.

My latest *poof* is kinda like me, a yaps-a-lot, but not like me at all because he doesn't care about his audience. All he cares about is splashing around in the big ol' social media pool and crapping on lawns. The more response he can stir up, the more successful he feels scribbling I was here all over the windows.

from a person who once stole the biggest stop sign in the county

Yeah, but the point is *I'm* not over it. And this isn't kindergarten where my DMs become a forced democracy of fairness in a world of tattling and competition for attention.

Me being a public person, if I may once again elaborate, means someone bugging me becomes public material. Comedians do this all the time.


And this might be a good place to remind readers that I have some excellent trackers, including google analytics, so by all means, feel free to keep flagging where you are waving to me from again.

Several browser upgrades offer excellent ID masking, and I think Google even offers it for free. Quite a few people have learned how to stalk me so excellently that I don't even know they're there. (Well, I do, but only because they look like Vashta Narada lurking inside astronaut gear, so I can't tell who they are and where they come from.) If being talked about disturbs you, please to look into becoming a professional lurker. Stealth is key to not making one's self a target.

I've mentioned being mean somewhere, I think. At least I own being a very annoying person. I've posted so many warning signs I can hardly believe I'm having to stoop to this after saying "stop" over and over doesn't work. And if I'm still doing it, it's because it didn't stop.

radiation burns and carnage

I just deleted a lengthy scathing obnoxiously mean-spirited toxic spill of molten lava. (Ok, just moved it to storage, it's all still there.)

What's left is this cool new blog.

I'm still feeling pretty hateful, though. I just didn't like looking at it.

Synopsis-

The next time I go on a 2-week soul purging binge dealing with, oh, I dunno, DEATH OF LOVED ONES and get trite little blow off comments back on twitter and facebook or DMs and PMs whining about something over and over and over, I will just start pressing buttons.

One of my top interview questions after the book comes out will ask why I kill my readers. Metaphorically.


Hang on, I'm putting this part back in.

The problem with trolls and bullies is that some of them have no idea what that is. So please allow me to spell it out. These are general observations and not necessarily something going on with me personally, but I will definitely speak to it because it keeps coming up in private messaging.

1- Dragging someone into other people's business in private convos is trolling. Also known as gossiping. After going through YEARS of that, I can't even begin to tell you how much ~I don't care~ who said what behind mine or anyone else's back and what that's supposed to mean to me.

2- Continuing to do that after being asked to stop is trolling. Also known as attention-getting.

3- Pushing for public explanations (reasons and answers) for responses to one's own bad behavior is trolling. Also known as bullying.

4- Asking people what their private plans are on a public feed is trolling. Also known as stalking.

5- Digging for more private info when one doesn't share one's own private info is trolling. Also known as being a creeper. As in not a friend. Or being a creepy 'friend'.

6- Jumping into other people's convos that one is not part of with snarky remarks is trolling. Also known as convo bombing. (We all do this, no saints out there.)

7- Publicly threatening to share private content to prove a point is trolling. Also known as sucking as a friend.

8- Publicly taking a response or lack of response personally where everyone can see one's personal drama while pointing blame is trolling. Also known as whining.

9- Knowing every move a person makes online in real time and casually making inappropriate remarks as though this person is family and one has the right to own them as such in public is trolling. Also known as being rude and inappropriate.

10- Making a big deal about how other people might('ve) handle(d) the way one behave(s,d) is trolling. Also known as grow up.


Oh, one more thing I'm putting back in.

Since I have committed to being a public figure, and since I've asked as politely as I can both publicly and privately to stop being dragged into other people's dramas, I have decided that the only way I can get this through some thick heads is by dragging it out into a public venue. I can out-passive aggressive all of you any time. If you don't like it, go whine about it. This especially applies to all the people who've felt compelled to tell me about their skyping sexploits with a certain actor. Cut it out. You're ALL attention whores.

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