8-12-16 because it's important

I had no idea exactly what you’ve been through. I do remember you mentioning that you’ve had problems with stalkers a few years ago. I never really made much of it other than some isolated instance of an unkind person that you once knew.

I had no idea how seriously you take this. We all seek after sense of purpose, and I see that you have found and centered on yours.

For me the idea of fame is a big time turn off. Not something that I would seek after. I’ve known the joys of being admired. While the euphoria it produces can be tremendous, my inclination is to back away from it quickly. For such things do people scrap over and for this reason wrath follows quickly. Whatever flows through me, let it do just that. Let it never stop in me to produce its glow, but continue onward toward those that are worthy to receive it. This is the base issue here. Whether conscious of it or not, a part of what you are knows well what I’m talking about. The momentary diversion of this flow found its target in me. It was shortly after the comments about the socks. It’s manifestation in my reality was completely involuntary and was so intense that my jaw is still dragging on the ground. I had no idea where it was coming from until the wrath from where it was supposed to have gone, found its way to me.

I seek a more humble existence that desires only to receive what God would see to give me. In patience and denial of self one will always receive exactly what they deserve. The great part about that is it will never be accompanied by wrath of any kind! I pray that all due reward come upon me at happenstance and never upon expectation or demand.

For this reason I will no longer be commenting on your FB. Please don’t take offense, there is absolutely none of that intended. Somehow I already know that you will understand. All of this time I’d just been having fun dropping fun comments and ideas on a cousin’s FB page. Even the fact that you rarely get comments really didn’t make me wonder. You are 100% correct! I had NO clue what I was dabbling in.

You do still have a FB page that is just for family and fun things? I hope to meet and know you there!

If you think I'm after fame and admiration, you've missed the point really bad. It takes everything I've got to stay public because I'm a super recluse, and you've witnessed that side of me in a previous facebook.

I do NOT have another FB page for anything private. I'm not here for convos. I'm here to reach out to other lurkers in the dark on the brink of suicide. I've been contacted privately many times by people who say my words have helped them and want me to keep 'living out loud' so they can see someone surviving severe depression. It helps to have a model who deals honestly with a real mental illness diagnosis.

I've been trying to share this for a long time, but I keep trying to be polite. I'm NOT good at being polite, and you're not the first to misunderstand me. I don't mind private contact from family, and family is why I'm on FB, but my sibs and their kids all know what's going on, and that what I'm doing is intended as a social platform.

One of these days I'm going to be published, and my social platform is my way of getting my family used to my personal stuff being discussed in public. My personal stuff is the whole point, not for fame, certainly not for admiration, but to help others understand what it's like for parents of kids like me who don't understand why their kids are weird.

Personally, the idea that you'd insist I have a place for you to freely have contact that others can see and I don't limit is kind of selfish. You've been 'having fun dropping comments' on a few things that are deeply troubling without regard to others, and the idea that this is 'fun' for you bothers me. I grew up with my dad forcing me to debate everything in his head by the time I was 10 years old, and I can out-argue anyone on anything simply because belief has no meaning for me because he drove me so hard to play advocate. I am capable of stripping everyone I meet and showing them the errors of all their ways, and I. Do. Not. Like. That. Side. Of. Myself.

I'm sorry you've misunderstood this so badly, but point blank, I'm here on a mission, I'm public and prepared to be eaten alive by critics, and even celebrities flee my honesty when it comes to the nitty gritty. If you think I'm seeking fame, you haven't been paying attention. I ~have~ fame. I've been 'famous' around the world among a certain subset since 2005. I hid from that for years, to the point of disappearing entirely off the internet, and you saw me do that. I'm not back out for family. I'm not here to make friends. I am doing this to reach people who still beat their kids instead of seeing them and hearing them. I'm here for the people who hate their spouses because they're mentally ill and can't help not being 50% of the marriage. I'm here for people who've had brain injuries or are homebound with severe anxiety showing them it's possible to still be useful and valuable. I'm showing them that choosing to still be here on this earth (instead of killing ourselves) is important.

I'm sorry I've disappointed you, but I really don't have time for this. If you weren't family, I'd never have spent this amount of time on diplomacy. I care about you, I've loved our convos, but I'm doing something important, and I do thank you for backing off from what I'm doing so I can focus it on the people who AREN'T HAVING FUN because they're miserable and barely hanging on.

I don't know what else to say, but I do love you.

~later~

Btw, I think one of the people who may have replied to something you've written in past (the socks thing maybe) was someone who was born with spina bifida and he's allowed to be as opinionated at he wants all over my stuff because he generally holds it down to one or two sentences. He lives in the UK and is part of a twitter/FB gang because of me, and we all talk to him, and he's even been on a podcast with my gang. Several parents in my gang are parents of special needs kids. Our unifying factor is that we all love scifi and live tweet shows on TV together. I've never met a more well rounded bunch of people, and never felt so socially included before. Their beliefs range widely, from Muslim, Satanist, Catholic and more to LGBT, both sides of politics, and all walks of life. You didn't realize several times that a few things in your comments were mildly insulting because you used generalized phrases about 'those people' kind of thing, assuming I'd agree with you based on our family backgrounds, I'm guessing. I rarely opinionate on public social media. I include all people in my sphere. I don't close anyone out unless it rocks my boat, and it's been painful to have to cut off friends who latch on too tightly and start telling me how to run my stuff, which has happened 3 other times just in the last year, and more before that. It's been very difficult sticking to my original intent. I openly tell people in blog posts that I'm mean and I bite. They all know this, some have seen it get a little ugly, and they are still choosing to be my friends. Only 2 ever cut me off because they couldn't stop insisting that I do things their ways.

I still think you have stuff worth saying and that closing yourself off from the world isn't the way to share it. Your value doesn't belong in a box in a closet, but a lot of people are in boxes in closets and you're not alone.

sucking up to insecurities

I've been biting this one back for a very long time.

"I just want everyone to get along," says the person who rallies war cries in a chat room for group block parties, who makes a game of blocking and unfollowing instead of talking things through, who insists on everyone pretending everything is fine so that person doesn't have to deal with anything being real.

I was born to rock boats. You can't ride in a boat with me and keep telling me to sit down and shut up and behave without me pissing you off sooner or later. No one ever changed anything by sitting down and shutting up. I've been living through sink or swim through my whole life, and God save whoever tells me to sit down and shut up one more time. #aspienado

my Dear Jeff letter

I've been working on paring my twitter connections back down to more 'real' accounts with more compatible agendas. So far I've unfollowed at least a hundred accounts of actual people so obsessed with Trump (both ways) that I'm not sure how they live and breathe without his presence on this earth. An account I unfollowed last night wasn't even trying to hide illegal drug sales. A whole string of business accounts promoting legitimate businesses have apparently caved to the interspersed naked butt tweets to retain and grow their numbers. My head has been spinning- didn't I vet all these accounts myself when they first followed me before I followed them back? Why, yes I did. What happened???

#Twitterfail includes the notion that growing followers means something. It means power. Well, yes it does when all your followers actually read your tweets and interact with you, like they do a few celebrities. The numbers game is just that- a game. Yeah, it looks cool to have accounts following with 50K or more followers, it must mean they're worth something, right?

Every week 3 or 4 different sources tweet out how many people followed and unfollowed me. Last few weeks my unfollowing number has been laughably disproportionate to my following number, which looks awful, like people can't wait to get away from me. Yet, my actual number of followers has held rock steady. I stopped complusively following back several months ago, even stopped caring weeks ago, and that number is steady. Real or fake, it would seem that not playing the follow back game hasn't hurt me at all.

As I slowly sift out more and more crap, I'm also able to better see who is really helping me, who my friends really are, who stains my floors, who actually drives other people away... I've been sad to see direct consequences of being tagged in group convo threads that negatively impact my account, even when I don't respond with so much as a like. As much as I like my friends, and I really do, some of them seem to be really good at pissing other people off, which flies directly against my own agenda. Simply being tagged in convos has raised significant ire in a couple of reactions over the last couple of weeks, and marked me as part of the problem. I'm not part of the problem. I'm not the one provoking people and stealing their tweets without sourcing and then getting snotty for being yelled at to get off the neighbor's lawn. This isn't the snotty tweet thing, but one of several examples I realized I should stop participating in.

Example of highjacking someone else's tweet with the quote option.
It's actually really rude to do this. I would be upset, too,
if other people did this to my tweets, esp if they used
my tweets to represent stuff I don't stand for.

So here's the conundrum- I keep being told I'm smart. Several different people have made me such a part of their lives that I've struggled with feeling tied to their whims for years. YEARS. I've still got my old lurkers and even stalkers from ages back, but a few friends I've picked up on twitter have far exceeded them in actual trolling and adding to my daily stress level. I've tried muting, even blocked one person that begged back in with a different account (so basically I was making a statement and even though I was assured I was heard, apparently I was not). I asked several times, I was polite, we had private convos about this, and I'm done. This is not who I am. 

Original tweet here
I've specifically asked multiple times to stop
being tagged in tweets with pix of goats
used in religious context.

I won't even go into a couple other humiliations I've found myself part of. You know, it's one thing to have friends and stuff, it's another thing when people who call themselves your friend say they love you and then push you around and beg you to love them back, and then some of them bully you in private when you don't, and my definition of bully here is being pushed to respond, especially after I've clearly demarcated my boundaries across several very public posts on two different blogs. stopbullying.gov

See, the thing about blocking is that private convos get cut off when I do that. When I block people, all the ugly dementia spills out into public, on blog comments, on facebook, tags on twitter...


I'm just going to stop talking to some people. I'm so very tired of being walked on at other people's whims. Tag me all you want, throw yourselves around my social medias waving and jumping up and down, ping me with private messages at all hours of the day and night, tell me I'm smart and you love me all you want, but this is our goodbye post. Just because you don't find yourselves blocked doesn't mean I want you in my life if you're going to be like this. And the fact that I've emotionally struggled over this for months on Pinky blog is testament to how deeply I have cared about these friends. I got emotionally invested. I have yet to see that level reciprocated by any one of them, and I'm past the point of wanting to. Apparently my 'friends' think it's all a joke. I really don't understand the pouting and whining and poking for attention. Has anyone noticed I don't do that back...? If I tagged people the same way they tag me I'd look completely mental.

I've already been so far into the dark myself that I totally get the help my friends desperately need, but I can't help them, and giving them attention is only enabling them. Their choices are their own. I can't walk that path again. I've already said it- I suck as a friend. "I just know I'm never going back into the dark. I can't face stagnation death."


If I unfollow you, I mean it this time.

p.s. Eddie Izzard fans will get the title up there.

This was the nicer version of what I just wrote, from two weeks ago.
that slutty mistress, Twitter